
On Conflict, Pain, & Composting: Reflections on the Worst Church Year of my Life
Since May, 2021 I have been involved in a conflict with my former denomination – The British Columbia Conference of Mennonite Brethren Churches (BCMB). This conflict led to me being stripped of my credentials for not being able to meet the conference’s expectations of a credentialed pastor. In the end, I was not willing to prove my “unequivocal commitment to the Confession of Faith.” Anabaptists, due to their historic persecution, have often been wary of how people in power can weaponize creeds. So as an Anabaptist, my position is, and remains, that the only thing worthy of my unequivocal commitment is the Lord. Confessions of faith are living documents. They express the consensus of a community at a particular moment in time (a snapshot) and change (another snapshot is taken) after what can sometimes be agonizingly long periods of deliberation and discernment. For example, after many years of debate, a 2006 resolution finally made it possible for individual churches to decide whether or not to allow women to occupy all levels of church leadership. This process is indicative of how stubborn, inflexible, and tragically slow to change this living document can be. It also demonstrates how the speed and cost of change processes are not experienced or born equally by everyone (e.g., women, those identify as LGBTQ+).
Anneken de Vlaster is thrown into the fire in 1571.
During the few years leading up to the revoking of my credentials, I had intentionally chosen to tone down my preaching and teaching of the conference’s traditional position on sexuality and marriage. This choice was made following the precautionary principle which holds that when an activity or belief raises threats of harm, precautionary measures should be taken even if some cause-and-effect relationships are not fully established scientifically. Given that some studies have shown that participation in church can lead to increased levels of suicidality among those who identify as LGBTQ+ I compassionately paused rigorous preaching on the Conference position. Additionally, following the expressed desire of a majority of the congregation I served (Cedar Park Church), our leadership team (pastoral staff and elders) sought to open up honest dialogue about human sexuality. Personally, after fifteen years of theological study related to sexuality and pastoral ministry that led me into the complexities of people’s lived experience, my own theological and pastoral positions were evolving.
My understanding of the gospel was also called into question as a result of me fore-fronting longstanding injustices…
Additionally, complaints were made and suspicions were raised by congregants about my pastoral intentions. My understanding of the gospel was called into question as a result of me fore-fronting longstanding injustices (e.g., racial, environmental, gender, sexual orientation) that the pandemic allowed a wider swath of society to finally see. Read about why white North American evangelicals often see social issues as a distraction from the gospel. Meetings were held, phone calls were made, and emails were exchanged about me – without me or my former church’s leadership team. A Conference-led review of my work (examining sermons, combing through the church website, reading things I had written, and meeting with certain congregants) went on for months without my knowledge.
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The level of suspicion mounted as live-streamed pandemic Sunday services were scrutinized, and communication was sent by congregants (unknown to me) to the denomination about my actions or inactions. For example, one week during our church’s prayers of the people, a widow announced her engagement and expressed her hope that her female partner and others like her would one day be welcomed and celebrated in more churches. Many in the congregation applauded to share in this beloved sister’s joy (Rom. 15:12, 1 Cor. 12:26). Afterwards, Conference leaders found out that I had apparently failed to rebuke this announcement (I’m not in the habit of rebuking/correcting/censoring prayer requests) or quickly follow it up with a mini-homily clarifying the Conference’s position that same-sex marriage and same-sex sex is a sin. This kind of scrutiny fostered a work environment where the levels of suspicion, criticism and anxiety became toxic. However, I continued to preach the gospel of Jesus who was sent to proclaim good news to poor and to set the oppressed free. I led memorial services, countless prayer meetings, and dozens of listening circles to lean into the desolation, excitement, and confusion congregants were experiencing. However, the conflict between me, the Conference, and a minority of congregants escalated.
When Helping Hurts
As a pastor, one of my main goals in serving the church has always been to help people. The pain of hearing that I was causing people distress combined with accusations that I was bowing down to unbiblical political ideology and leading people astray – all while I was sincerely trying honour the Bible’s special concern for the vulnerable – was too much and contributed to suicidal ideation. When you keep trying to help the people who hurt you, the relationship can go rancid. Under the care of my family doctor and long-term psychologist, I began to take medication for depression and anxiety. This was a first for me.
The pain of hearing that I was causing people distress combined with accusations that I was bowing down to unbiblical political ideology…contributed to suicidal ideation.
After being interviewed/interrogated about my beliefs by the Conference, being asked to prove my “unequivocal commitment” to the Conference’s Confession of Faith (a bizarre request that would disqualify most BCMB credentialed pastors who struggle with various confessional convictions), and disclosing my evolving convictions regarding sexuality, I expressed my willingness to surrender my credentials if the Conference determined that I had failed to meet their expectations of a credentialed pastor. Expecting that my disclosure would be grounds for the removal of my credentials and knowing that the church was obligated to have a credentialed pastor on staff, I, along with two pastoral colleagues expressed our forthcoming resignations – effective at the end of March 2022. I then received prompt communication stating that my credentials had been removed. Five of the six remaining church board members also announced their forthcoming resignations.
When Church Wounds
The Conference moved in quickly and called a congregational meeting on April 3, 2022. I still lack words to fully describe what ensued. I remember fragments. A denominational leader affirmed publicly that he thought I was a “false teacher” – a designation that led to the drowning and burning of my Anabaptist ancestors in the sixteenth century. Read my poem “False Teacher” about this moment. The Conference clearly stated their traditional sexual ethic while a queer-identifying former church leader sat under the cross holding a sign that spelled “LOVE” in rainbow letters. Like the women who faithfully gathered around Jesus as the religious and political powers conspired to crucify him, more people gathered under the cross in solidarity as the meeting wore on. See my poem and artwork “His Body Dismembered.”
People became increasingly agitated as it seemed that despite the Conference’s previously communicated willingness to answer questions, they were unequivocally committed to not admitting any wrongdoing in the carrying out of their investigation of my work and dealing with the conflict at the church. Tense energy coursed through the room. What appeared to be contradictions and half-truths spoken from the front infuriated many. People spoke loudly from their seats as a surging righteous indignation seemed to override Canadian politeness. I looked for a table to overturn (that wouldn’t hurt anyone). One former BCMB pastor who was in attendance as a witness reflected on the meeting writing:
It was a meeting I will recall as among the saddest I have witnessed in my life—at almost every conceivable level. No one left the meeting untouched, unharmed. That night, I had this raw read of the meeting. Pastor Lee Kosa and the people of Cedar Park Church are broken and devastated and, in my view, exhibited the signs of being abuse victims. It felt like a window in on the story of the Good Samaritan, with the priests and Levites of BCMB walking by on the other side extending no compassion, no hand to help. In fact, some said, even a pouring of salt on the wounds of the wounded throughout the evening. And what even increased the tragedy of the wounded? By their account, it was those very same priests and Levites who had thrown them to the curb in the first place. I wept as I listened and felt and saw.
“Pastor Lee Kosa and the people of Cedar Park Church are broken and devastated and, in my view, exhibited the signs of being abuse victims.”
At the end of the meeting, I remember standing at the front of the church. In an effort to reveal how the theological logic of the conference affects flesh and blood people, I confessed the depth of pain I experienced from the conflict and from the way it was handled. I remember my voice beginning to break and feeling hands of support from members of the congregation on my shoulders. I spoke of how what I believed to be the mishandling of the situation by Conference leadership which included manipulative triangulation (between church leadership, anonymous congregants, and Conference leaders) and a lack of a robust conflict resolution or review policy, had exacerbated the conflict and contributed to the deterioration of my mental health to the point that at times I felt the only way to escape the pain would be to end my life. Suddenly, my nervous system had had enough and spun my body around, away from Conference leadership. I remember walking briskly out of the sanctuary repeating the phrase “I’m done” as I exited the room. I made my way outside into the night and collapsed in the garden between two shrubs, sobbing uncontrollably for the brokenness of a church that casts out those who are defined as deviant, who dare critique the status quo, or who for the sake of biblical compassion call for the re-examination of convictions that contribute to harm. I sobbed because my psyche was wounded, and my body traumatized. My wife followed me out of the church and found me curled up in the dark, wailing. That meeting was the last time she has stepped foot in any church. See my poem and artwork “Led to the Wilderness” about this particular moment.

Seeking Peace
Since then, I have written several letters outlining specific complaints about the behaviour of Conference leadership that I think mischaracterized me to others, failed to meet their own publicized commitments, and that violate what I believe to be basic ethical standards for any organization.
Upon my request, an ad hoc Conference committee performed a narrow review of the BCMB’s actions that led to my credentials being stripped but found no evidence of unfairness or a lack of transparency in the process that would have led to a different outcome. However, my experience of the review process was that it was unfair, unChristian, unprofessional, and failed to meet standard employee investigation standards. My subsequent specific questions about the process and the BCMB’s lack of a robust credentialling review policy have been largely ignored. I was told that it was the committee’s opinion that I should find another denomination. It appears that when leaders decide that someone no longer meets their expectations of a credentialed pastor, they can remove their credentials by any means necessary. The ends apparently justify the means.
My experience tells me that the combination of leaders with great power (e.g., to conduct secret investigations of pastors, to remove them, and to deem people to be false teachers), a lack of specific accountability mechanisms, and the absence of robust conflict resolution policies to mitigate against the misuse of power (despite policing a Confession of Faith that states the centrality of peacemaking and reconciliation) all combine to create a dangerous and toxic culture in any conference/denomination. I will not work in such an unsafe environment.
Looking for justice, reconciliation, or at least a peaceable parting, I’ve knocked (and sometimes pounded) on every door I could find or afford.
Since leaving, I have sought to hold leaders accountable to their stated commitments, to pursue relational repair through mediation, and to advocate for policy reform. To date, the BCMB has not admitted substantive wrongdoing. They believe they have addressed the issues I have raised and have declined my request for mediation stating that they do not believe any further discussion will change either side’s perspective. They consider the matter closed, and will not engage in any further process with me.
BCMB’s unilateral declaration of this “matter closed” and their unwillingness to engage in face-to-face mediation or any further process is at odds with the Confession of Faith’s convictions regarding reconciliation and fails to follow Christ’s clear teaching on conflict resolution. Commenting on the problematic nature of one side terminating communication during a conflict, Sarah Schulman in her book Conflict is Not Abuse writes, “Shunning…is never useful in resolving problems…in most cases it is…primarily a way to avoid an adjustment of the self that is required for accountability. It has no terms for resolution, it is simply a form of asserting supremacy…”
Looking for justice, reconciliation, or at least a peaceable parting, I’ve knocked (and sometimes pounded) on every door I could find or afford. At this point, the way toward confession, repentance, amends, and structural reform, seems to be closed.
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In telling a fraction of my story, I’m not looking for sympathy. Nor am I trying to center my experience at the marginalization of others. I realize many other minoritized and stigmatized people have been hurt far worse by Christian institutions (please keep the “not all Christians” defensiveness out of the comments on this post). As I wept outside the church, I experienced a momentary solidarity with the suffering Christ and many who have been scapegoated and rejected by religious groups. By God’s grace and with the Spirit’s guidance in the form of a brilliant trauma-informed spiritual director and wise psychologists, I am engaging in the slow but holy work of alchemizing this experience. Two psychologists have told me that I have experienced complex spiritual trauma and that my body may need a one-year break from full-time pastoral ministry in order to heal.
This is some of the logic that drove Paul to persecute Christ himself as he chased down Jesus followers.
There are folks who have gone through these painful events with me who may never step foot inside a church building again as they cannot reconcile how such harm can come from a community that speaks of peace, justice, and love. However, as I see it, a sinful disregard for people’s well-being is commonly rationalized by a utilitarian ethic (ends justify the means) that puts the advancement of missiological aims (spreading of the kingdom through the advancement of the church), protecting God’s honour by defending doctrine, and soteriological goals (saving people from hell) above all other concerns. This is some of the logic that drove Paul to persecute Christ himself as he chased down Jesus followers. It is what justified the abuse of Indigenous children at residential schools and it actively fuels abuse of women, folks who identify as LGBTQ+, and anyone who is perceived as a potential contaminant to a theological system that is arrogantly and erroneously perceived to be pure and therefore to be protected at all costs – even if it means covering up abuse, protecting perpetrators, villainizing victims, and gaslighting those who are courageous enough to voice concerns. Read more about what drives some Christian leaders to be led by this harmful utilitarian logic.
An Invitation
After reading this, please do not try to fix, correct, or save me. I invite you to simply bear witness to the picture my words paint and to interrogate your own emotional responses to what you see and feel. I also invite you to consider that we live in a time when Christian denominations/institutions across North America are facing a crisis of accountability. If you are connected to a church conference or denomination through employment, membership, participation, or financial giving and you know about misuse/abuse of power, structural issues that leave people vulnerable, and a lack of accountability that enables leaders to act with impunity, and you remain within the denomination/institution while you have the power to advocate for reform/healing justice, and yet you do not, then perhaps you are complicit in an unsafe system that perpetuates harm in the name of Jesus.
If you are employed by a Christian institution that has structural issues or holds harmful theological views, there is a time to stay, play the long game, support those around you financially, and to work for incremental change. If that is your strategy, please heed the warnings of Martin Luther King from his letter to white moderates which he penned from a Birmingham jail. Not everyone bears the weight of incrementalism the same way. Be sober about who has the power to “set the timetable for another man’s freedom.”
Be sober about who has the power to “set the timetable for another man’s freedom.”
There is also a time to count the cost of leaving loud and pulling down the curtains that shroud sinful systems and justify harm as you make your way out the door.
In the Bible, there is a time to work towards restoration and reform, but Jesus shows us that when institutions no longer bear the fruit of justice, there is also a time to curse the fig tree and move on. There is a time when the ax comes to the root of the tree and composting is the only honest way forward. As Jesus teaches and shows us, there is a time to let go, to descend down into the loamy darkness, to metabolize the pain, and double down on resurrection.
Therein lies my hope.

3 MB pastors resign over LGBTQ, role of Confession
The Anabaptist World covered the removing of my credentials by the BCMB in an article. Journalist John Longhurst also reported on the conflict on his blog Time to Tell: A blog dedicated to reporting about the topic of LGBTQ+ and the Canadian Conference of Mennonite Brethren Churches from a journalistic point of view.
Well and truthfully said with love and integrity
A most painful experience to be sure, but your response and your writing extracts the grace to be found in the pain. One can only hope that those most in need of hearing your voice, someday do hear it.
Thank you for your invitation to reflect on our own roles and responsibilities in belonging to a church. Eloquent – and prophetic.
I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced. I’ve experienced something far too similar in my former role as a pastor in Mennonite Church Eastern Canada. I’m committed to never again regularly attending a church that isn’t openly LBBTQ affirming. I don’t know if I’ll ever attend church again at all.
I certainly won’t be putting myself through the abuse I experienced by pastoring again.
I find it sad to see just how our Mennonite/Anabaptist faith has gradually become hierarchical in nature with great power accorded to leaders not voted upon by a congregation. I still recall what my bishop said, when I was given a choice to either quit the baptismal class by our pastor, or be kicked out if I refused to accept his definition of pacifism. I chose to quit and the bishop came to ask why. I explained that in the Bible, it says that if a woman is raped and does not fight back, scream and yell for help, she will be stoned along with her rapist. Therefore, if I was sexually assaulted, I had a right to fight back. (No one knew at that time, that I did fight off an elderly man who tried to molest me at the age of 10). I was 11 when I was in this class, and our pastor was horrified that I even knew about this part of the Bible and what rape was. He told me Jesus made a different law, and if I fought back, I was not a real pacifist. The bishop told me that our pastor had no authority to determine if I could be accepted as a member, only the congregation. He listened to my explanation, which came from a retired missionary Presbyterian pastor after he witnessed me fend off two larger neighbourhood bullies with my skipping rope, then my dad trying to beat me with a belt for not turning the other cheek to them. That dear man told me that my father’s faith got it wrong: during Jesus’ time and for almost 2 millennia following, when two persons got into a heated argument, and one of them ran out of logical rebuttals to the other, that person would slap the other’s cheek and offer to settle things with one-on-one combat, with the stronger person prevailing (the might is right position). Jesus’ advice was to refuse this offer and allow it to be settled by the aggressive person slapping their cheek a second time. Usually, in such instances, the angry person realizes they are being unreasonable, and it is resolved with friendships or family relationships still intact. If not, then one has done everything possible to achieve a peaceful resolution. This made more sense to me than what our pastor was telling us. The bishop agreed, and said that I was not alone in this interpretation of this, and he believed my position was logical and sincere on my part. He would go to the elders, who were elected leaders of the congregation, and if they were in accord, no need for a vote by all the members. I find it sad to see that so many of my faith group today, have abandoned this basic tenet of our faith, which is to allow individuals, including pastors, to have different views on issues like this. The demand that everyone be on the same page, is why we have seen so many schisms.
I am sorry Lee for the pain you, those you love, and unseen others have gone through by what you explain here. I have been told that I must seek to understand but that my greatest desire, to be understood, is out of my control and may never happen. I really felt this as I read your words. You are still a spiritual leader; not everyone is going to understand you but you have so much to teach.
Thank you for your courage in standing for love, truth, grace and humility. Sharing this experience is vulnerable but necessary, as so few people seem to be acquainted with spiritual principles. Those who have caused damage and injury sound fearful above all else. You are right — it isn’t about who is a victim, a perpetrator, or a rescuer.
That light inside of you is what matters, and it is never extinguished. May you heal bathed in the light and love that is the Spirit. Bravo.
I am heartbroken and saddened to tears by this story.
I once heard someone say…”I almost became a Christian, and then I met one.”
Truly Jesus came to set us free from organized religion. Love God and love people were his commandments.
I believe that we forget there is only on judge and that is God. Indeed you are so right about the terrible injustices that happen in the name of religion. And in truth that is exactly what it is…religion. Pharisees and Sadducees.
My prayer for you is that you continue to seek the peace that only our Heavenly father can give you. Please lay in his arms and rest and be restored. For only ABBA father can know your pain. Also I pray that you do not give up on the ministry. You do not need credentials to have a calling to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. And I pray your wife will lean into our Lord and find forgiveness as well. I know it will be a process. It is much harder to forgive, when someone we love has been hurt so deeply.
Ofcourse you both know all of this, but just know there are people out here that are loving on you and lifting you up from afar. And I am sorry to say the very thing you did not want to hear, but indeed we are not all like the people you encounter in your own church.
God has a place for you still. As my Pastor tells us…you may have a suddenly. When you least expect it and possibly in a place you may have never planned!
(I do know your Mother. We once spent a weekend at the Corolla beach house with your cousin Beth. Because of facebook, I have been able to stay connected with her.)
These people are utter monsters. Another full-blown victory for Satan. God bless you.
Dear Lee, I admire your response and offer my support that you stood up for what you believe!
Lee, I am just devastated at the treatment you received. I was only at Cedar Park for 6 years but felt so welcomed and comfortable believing all the members were “good people” however I see how wrong I was. You are the most caring person I have ever met and I thank you for all you’ve done for me personally. I miss your sermons so much. How can those narrow minded people feel good about themselves for destroying you and CPC.
Lee thank you so very much for your faithfulness. I deeply appreciate your willingness to speak up. Too often we keep silent which only causes more pain. It is costly to be the prophet declaring God’s way, midst a sea of silence keeping and injustice. In experience congregants are seriously affected by actions of leaders of the church but are far too afraid what will happen if they were to speak their truth. Have you any wisdom to share with congregants about how to let go of the fear of speaking up?
I am in a congregation that was removed from the US Pacific District MB Conference for choosing to be fully inclusive of LGBTQ Christians. The “power vs love” —struggle? fight? (it’s certainly not a dance because MBs don’t dance) will go on for a long time. One source that has helped me in growing my understanding and my love for lgbtq sisters and brothers has been reading the Facebook posts of Stan Mitchell.
I think I’ve had a hard time learning this lesson myself but but the lesson is, don’t bother with people or religions that don’t put their faith in loving you and/or their neighbors. Among anabaptists, the MB church is backward and will eat and devour those who amplify their internal exclusionary hatreds. Exposing your congregants to such a movement is self defeating and the harm and abuse is both expected and foreseen. If you want to support women, LGBTQ, indigenous people, and like Jesus, love those on the margins you should have led your congregation to the exit door before this extremely harmful episode. I’m LGBTQ and a Mennonite. There are enough churches now that if one wants to be honored and valued, one can choose. As soon as a loyalty test was announced by the denomination, even if there was one you agreed with, you should have seen the implications of where it would lead. Believe me, I’ve stayed around abusive situations with those I love but who condition their love on their right to abuse me. One can continue to love but one has to separate. You are a credentialed pastor in every sense because you explored and followed where Christ lead you. They are not even as they hold the keys to power. Sorry you had to go thru this.
Your account, so very well written and described, had me crying for how painful this must have been and the pain which may linger for you, in addition to how (in much minor ways) it echoes my own experience of leaving a beloved home church community… Thanks for being honest and personally for helping me know I’m not crazy about how I’ve been feeling/thinking.
Lee, your story means so much to me. I give witness to the sincerity of your efforts to give highest loyalty to Jesus. I hear your voice. I respect your courage. I learn much from you.
Lee, I read your story in its entirety and fail to see how these people can even begin to call themselves followers of Christ.
I have not ever joined another Catholic Church since a priest told my mother she had failed to do her duty in raising me. This crushed my Mother. My sin, refusing in 1968, to sign a paper before getting married that I would promise to raise my children in the Catholic Church. I would only promise to raise them as Christians. I have only attended for marriages, baptisms and funerals. I did attend a Protestant church for years.
I pray God will help you heal in time…
#TheBretherenIsDead #CompostThem #FrathouseChristianity #No
God’s purpose:
Hebrews 35 Women received their dead raised to life again: and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection:
36 And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment:
37 They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented;
38 (OF WHOM THE WORLD WAS NOT WORTHY:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.
39 And these all, having obtained a good report through faith, received not the promise:
40 God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should NOT BE MADE PERFECT.
I love you Lee, Sage, Lucas and Eden.
Lee, thank you for this. So helpful and inspiring. I’m still healing from my own experiences in ministry there and elsewhere. I’m now retired but will engage where I can in restorative justice vis-à-vis issues like this. [Indeed, sometimes justice is pronounced- and practiced – “dust-ish”. That is, walking away with shaken sandals. Not that that soothes much one’s shaking heart and soul.]
It always amazes me that the beliefs of a man who welcomed and accepted and even promoted the universality of all humanity have been twisted to become so unwelcoming and accepting of people who do not share beliefs that profess to lead in his name.
Thank you, Lee, for sharing your story and your heart. May the Lord, who found Hagar exiled in the wilderness, find and be present to you as well.
Beyond that, I have no words. I wouldn’t know where to start.
Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. Holy Spirit have mercy.
This is a story that needs to be heard despite the incredible pain one feels reading it. I held my hand over my heart while reading this. At the end of it all, is this truly who the Mennonite Brethren church wants to be? Imagine if the same amount of attention and zealousness was put into poverty, addiction, etc.
I fear very much that the same thing is happening in Manitoba and with River East Church. My heart is broken.